Personal Stuff...

So lately, I've been thinking a lot about self-esteem and self-beauty. Self-Beauty meaning how one defines beauty, and what they find beautiful. I find that we worry too much about outer beauty, rather than inner beauty. We spend so much time thinking about how we look and we spend so much time looking in the mirror, that we often forget about what's on the inside. I realized that there is no real way to see one's inner beauty just from looking at them, hence it's called inner beauty. But there isn't anything that you can use to see inner beauty either. You can use a mirror to see your face and your body, and an x-ray to see your bones and other tools like that. Interesting, eh? Adding on to us spending so much effort on outer beauty, we also spend a lot of time comparing ourselves to everyone and everything. We are constantly comparing ourselves to models and mannequins. Little do we know that we are striving for something nearly impossible. I was watching The Ellen Show a few days ago, and she was talking about how when you try something on in a store that you see on a mannequin, it doesn't look as good. She added to that saying that retailers should have mannequins for ALL body types, not just models-type bodies. We are constantly finding new ways to "look good." I feel like that statement is constantly losing its meaning, since what "looks good" always changes. There will always be new trends that people will want to follow, new technologies that people will want to upgrade to, new ways of staying youthful, etc. We are constantly looking for ways to look youthful and look "better." But we keep losing sight of what makes us FEEL beautiful, in all the commotion of the pursuit of outer beauty.

I was just thinking about this thought, because my mom and I had an interesting conversation. It was about weight. So after dinner, my mom asked me what my weight was. I hesitantly told her. Surprised, she asked me if I was in the healthy region. I said yes. She asked again to make sure, as if I was lying! After I reassured her that I was in the healthy region, she rejoiced. She shouted, "Oh my gosh! I weigh less than you?" And to my surprise, my sister jumps in and says that she and my mom weigh the same. They then rejoiced together, as if it was some sort of accomplishment, or something. I felt completely betrayed and hurt. My mom is supposed to support me with my insecurities, yet she mocks my weight. I've always had a problem with my weight, and the fact that my mom would compare herself to me really hurt me even more. Actually, what hurt the most was the fact that, when this happened, I had high self-esteem, and felt really confident in myself. I FELT BEAUTIFUL. And I felt like they just knocked me down from my state of happiness with myself, when I was soaring high. And I didn't cry, at least not in front of them, since I knew that they would just apologize for making me cry, and not apologize for the right reason. I feel like my mom isn't my mom anymore...I don't talk to her, nor my sister, because I just don't want to be influenced by the negative energy that they both have. The worst part is that my mom didn't think she said anything wrong. I hate that.

But I just need to remind myself that I don't NEED to weigh the same as my sister, or my mom, or anyone else. Everyone has different body types, and maybe mine is just different from anyone else's. I don't NEED to look like a model from a magazine or wear a pound of make up to correct my flaws. I just need to be happy with myself and be happy with who I am.

And I am exactly that. I am happy to be me. I am proud to be me. I wouldn't want to be anyone else. I FEEL BEAUTIFUL, both inside and out. I feel that for once in my life, I am completely welcoming of my flaws, and finally happy with myself. :)

I'll end by saying this, "Let us not use a mirror to determine our beauty, but rather, use our hearts."